


A Series of Unfortunate Words

by lem0nfr0ggy



Series: Stucky Angst Because I Like To Hurt [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes's Trigger Words, Canon Universe, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, New York City, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:14:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28732542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lem0nfr0ggy/pseuds/lem0nfr0ggy
Summary: Progress cannot be made without setbacks. Recovery is non-linear. Bucky Barnes experiences this harsh truth in a not-so-private place.TW: Anxiety attacks, PTSD, disassociation
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Stucky Angst Because I Like To Hurt [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2123193
Comments: 3
Kudos: 57





	A Series of Unfortunate Words

**Author's Note:**

> Another TW for Anxiety attacks, PTSD, and disassociation. Please stay safe and drink some water if you haven't recently :)

Bucky's breath hung in the air in a puff of white, the cold making every scrap of warmth precious as Steve and Bucky lazily walked the streets of New York City. Hands around each other's hips, they slowly meandered through the city, not really going anywhere. Bucky's metal arm, which was obscured under his jacket and glove, was tucked around Steve's torso, pulling him closer.

Tony was in town for business, and Steve and Bucky had nothing better to do, so they toured the city, pointing out alleys where Steve had been beaten up in, or bars they had had late nights in. It had been over 50 years, but New York was still the same city that they'd grown up in. Even though the little, one-room apartment they had lived in was gone, they still stopped by the block and looked up at the building they had called home in the '40s. 

"I remember having to _drag_ you up these steps after having a fight because you were too tired to get upstairs." Bucky reminisced to Steve, who was still looking at the building, a nostalgic look on his face. 

"You didn't have to do it, you know. I would have been fine, even without your help." 

"I know, but who would be there to fix you up and fawn over you like a baby when you came home all beaten-up?" Steve laughed and shoved Bucky away playfully, but pulled him back again. He rested his head on top of Bucky's, feeling his warmth and calming presence- the only reminder of the life he once lived before he became Captain America. "You're a sap," Bucky whispered. 

"Can't help it." Steve whispered back. They continued walking, slowly making their way towards Times Square. As they progressed, Bucky couldn't help but think about how fortunate he was that he had ended up with Steve. Maybe he was a sap, but Bucky wouldn't have it any other way.

They made it to Times Square, walking through the bustling crowds of people and commenting about how different it had become. Steve noticed a little crowd forming around someone standing on a platform, so he and Bucky meandered over, just out of curiosity. The man was speaking loudly, reading from a sheet of paper in a language that wasn't English. 

"Its poetry." Bucky said incredulously. "He's reading Russian poetry." He smiled, watching the man speak animatedly to the crowd. Steve watched too, even though he couldn't understand much of it. He only knew a few words in Russian, and he had only learned them for Bucky's sake. After learning of how HYDRA had conditioned his friend using a series of words spoken in Russian, Steve vowed that Bucky would never have to hear them again, and learned his trigger words so he could avoid them as much as possible. 

Steve caught a word he recognized, "семнадцатилетним" (seventeen). He looked down at Bucky, who hadn't made any indication that that word bothered him. He didn't react physically, so Steve let him be and continued to listen to the poetry. 

"желая быть снова семнадцатилетним, прожить ночью и увидеть надежды рассвета." (Longing to be seventeen again, to live through the night and see the hope of daybreak). 

_Steve caught three words._ Bucky physically reacted next to him, the muscles in his arms tensing immediately. He didn't say anything, and his face remained expressionless, but something in Bucky's eyes had changed. A look of deep sadness and fear. 

Bucky pulled away from Steve and walked briskly away from the crowd. He continued walking, not looking where he was going, out of Times Square and onto a side street. Steve followed him, almost having to jog to keep pace. Bucky ducked into an empty alley, knees buckling as he sank to the ground, shaking uncontrollably. Steve wasn't far behind, rushing to Bucky's side as he began to sob. 

Bucky was gasping for breath, each sharp intake met with sputtering half-screams as his mind was racing with flashbacks. Tears, hot and wet streamed down his cheeks as reality seemed to crumble around him. Bad memories, painful torture, screams of people he killed unwillingly, he could see and feel it all. Bucky's hands grasped for anything, gloved hands scraping across the asphalt. 

He just needed something to hold onto, a promise that he wouldn't hurt anyone or lose control. He couldn't afford to lose control again- not after all of the progress he'd been making and the steps he'd taken to accept his trauma. 

"Bucky. Hey. Hey, it's ok. Bucky. It's ok. I'm here." Steve knelt next to Bucky, rubbing his back as he cried. Slowly, making sure to telegraph all of his motions, Steve unzipped Bucky's jacket and slipped his gloves off of his shaking hands. Every exhale was a whimper as Bucky shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to rid himself from the horrible memories that were resurfacing. 

"Here. Bucky, it's gonna be ok. I've got you. I've got you." Steve took Bucky's clammy right hand, rubbing circles into the back of his palm as he unzipped his jacket. He took Bucky's hand, his _real hand_ , and placed it over his heart. Admittedly, it was beating fast, but Steve hoped that his slower heartbeat could help Bucky regulate his breathing. "Hey, feel my heartbeat. Feel it?" 

"Steve?" When his hand met Steve's shirt, Bucky looked up, his eyes wide and wild. 

"Can you feel my heartbeat? Breathe with me. Breathe. In and out." Steve kept eye contact, using a method that Bucky used to use oh him when he had asthma attacks. He kept repeating 'in' and 'out', trying his best to help Bucky calm down and come back to reality. Slowly, his breathing returned to normal as the paralyzing fear and horrid memories ebbed away. Silence filled the alley as Bucky quieted, eyes fixed onto Steve. He didn't want to move. 

Slowly, as a grounding gesture, Steve used his free hand to cup Bucky's face and rubbed his thumb along his jawline. Bucky melted, surging forward and wrapping his arms around Steve's torso as if he would disappear at any moment. 

"Hey, Bucky. It's ok. I've got you. You're safe. _You're safe._ " Steve whispered into Bucky's hair, so soft and full of reassurance. He wished, more than anything, that he could take Bucky's pain away. If he could, he would gladly take all of the trauma and pain and fear away forever so that his best friend wouldn't have to suffer in a way that Steve didn't know how to fix. "Let's get out of here. Are you ok with that?" 

Bucky nodded and wiped his face as Steve helped him stand. They took slow, small steps back to where they said they would meet Tony. Steve held Bucky close as if to shield him from everything else that could or would hurt him. _This isn't going to happen again. I won't let it. I promise._

  


\--------------------------------

  


The drive back to the compound was quiet. Tony was on the phone, which was fine since Bucky didn't seem to be up for conversation anyway. He sat unmoving, looking forward with a blank expression on his face. There was nothing behind his eyes except for oppressive tiredness. His episode had drained every ounce of energy out of him.

Once they made it back, Tony hurried to his office to finish his call, which just left Bucky and Steve in the quiet lounge. Steve moved to leave, he assumed that his friend might want some space after what had happened. However, just as he turned away, Bucky reached out and grabbed his hand. 

"Wait." He whispered, a hint of desperation adding weight to his request. "Don't go." That last, quiet plea made Steve want to hug Bucky tightly, to hold him and never let him go and reassure him that he would never leave. Instead, he took it slow and turned back to face Bucky.

"I'll stay." Steve gently sat Bucky down on the couch and got him a glass of water. He had to be dehydrated and pretty tired. Bucky drank it all quickly, as if he'd never had water and would never have it again. He finished with a heavy sigh, set the glass down, and leaned his head on Steve's shoulder defeatedly. 

Steve leaned Bucky back, slowly, so he was cradling his friend gently. Bucky let him, allowing the tension in his muscles to relax as Steve wrapped his arms around him comfortingly. 

"I'm sorry." Bucky whispered. Steve looked down at his friend, who had never looked more fragile and small. 

"You don't have to apologize, Buck. It's not your fault. _I'm_ sorry that I couldn't avoid today, and I'm so sorry that I couldn't have been there to help you when you needed me." Bucky nodded quietly, his bottom lip trembling. "But no matter what," Steve began, "I'm not going to leave your side, and I'll be damned if you ever feel like you're alone again. No matter what, you'll always have me." 

"Until the end of the line?" Bucky whispered, looking up at Steve with eyes as blue as the sky. 

"Until the end of the line." 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my friend Avi, who helped with all of the Russsian translations  
> Also frick Endgame "Until the end of the line" means until the end of the line, bitch


End file.
